I follow the gold and sapphire trail into my past
and wake heavy with L’s betrayal

I burnt his letters
I had to stand next to him, on stage,
and pretend I didn’t care
I had to discuss literature with him
and pretend we weren’t talking about us
I had to sit next to him and hide my shaking hands

I was so hurt and couldn’t show it.
I’m sure he would have ignored my sobbing.
He would have looked the other way, not knowing why?

I guess this is when I learned even more to hide my inside
With him I got naked with my clothes on
He was one of the few people who didn’t need an explanation for why being alive was so heavy.
I was safe with him for a few months.
I felt whole in his story.
It meant I wasn’t alone.
The two half orphans that we were.